Earthquake!!

So my world feels like im going through an earthquake. Sometimes natural disasters lead to beautiful  outcomes but during this shaky time you feel like you will never see the new foundation it has formed. Im over annoyed at the moment. I am 19, a Single mother of Two babies. 22 months and 8 months. Its rough. My husband and i divorced over the summer i fell apart but grew stronger. I feel as though im a willow tree. Strong and sturdy but have a few branches bent over every time I hit a down fall, But after that down fall my branches grow stronger and longer.  I have chosen to allow my Ex Husband and his current girlfriend take care of my girls. As a selfless act for my children I sacrifice my time with them to work two jobs and go to school to give them a better life down the road. I am not a bad mother, I am a strong mother. It takes a very strong women to give up her time with her babies to work hard for them. Everyday I miss out it eats me alive inside. I miss my girls more than anything in this world. I would give them everything I could to make sure they live a life full of happiness. I am 19, I am still a baby raising babies. I never had much of a child hood and I will admit the time that I do get to be like a teenager it feels amazing and wrong at the same time. Wrong because i feel guilty knowing that on my spare time i should be with them every second i get and also wrong because other people judge me saying Im a shitty mom, or i dont care about my girls. I find it funny that when my girls were born and i was married and the "ideal family" peopled idoled me and complimented me all the time on how strong I was and how amazing of a mom i was and how they hope to be as strong as me when they have children. And now that im this broken down family and a single mom trying to piece it together for them im some horrible person who doesn't like her children anymore. I love my girls they come first and always will. If i were joining the service would that make me a shitty mom for giving my girls a better future? NO! so why you must judge and cast false judgement on what im doing or listen to one side of the story is beyond me. If you must know my lifes plan here it is... I am moving out whether its out of state or some place else in ny i am 19 and i have two children i do not need to continue living at home with my  mommy im a big girl now and i need to start acting like one. I am working two jobs to save money to move out and go to school. And if i have to continue asking richard to watch the girls who stays at home and is very much capable of doing so I will take full advantage for  our girls to have a parent to suceed and be stable for them. If its not him it will be me. I am appauled that because I drink, or live the teenage life when I DO NOT HAVE THEM im horrible. Moms who are 21 all the way up to 40 drink have get togethers adult parties with their friends and go out every now and then. Just because i do not want to be that mother who has her midlife crisis at 35 and try to act my childrens age does not make me a shitty mom.I bet you most moms out there wanna scream pull there hair out at times want a break and often feel the way i do but your better than me cause you dont admit it. Wrong i admit it because i do not wanna hold regret or anger towards my children later on down the road. If you want to judge me or my parenting go ahead. I know what I am doing is the right thing. And for those who continue to talk shit about me as a mother should be thankful i was "smart" to let richard hold onto them.. Until  your a single parent or a parent at all and wanna judge me on what i think is best for my girls dont talk to me or about me cause you dont know! My girls are my world and forever will be im a momma bear and i dont play. And it would be selfish of me to keep them struggling like this just so i dont miss out. Being a full time stay at home mommy is hard i did it for a year in a half but when your a single mom on one income we need to do what we need to do and either way im missing out on there life whether there at daycare while i work or home with there daddy i will have the same amount time with them as i do now. so why people seem to talk shit cracks me up because im doing the right thing and what most parents have done out there. I love my girls very much and would give anything to spend every second of there life with them but with this economy i simply can't doing it alone. so for those of you who have something negative to say about what im doing FUCK OFF! cause when i can proudly say i own a nice home have a degree in nursing and can be the wonderful mom i was born to be i will be laughing because you chose to stay poor and selfish towards your child wanting to watch them grow up so you sit poor and miserable on your ass struggling while im providing the best life i ever could have for my girls!! so the next time you think twice to say im a shitty mom to my girls think twice about your own actions and how your gonna provide for your children.. while i sacrifice my time to make money for them you sit at home gossiping and bitching how broke you are leaching off of people and the govt to help you. And if i have offended anyone i appologize because there are different circumstances for stay at home moms and i get that. not all are unsucessful but for those who look at me and say omg i can't believe her and what she is doing i could never miss out on my childs life think twice about how different our situations are. cause you truly dont know, until you did my daily routine.

Things I Wanna Do Before I Die.

I'm a girl with many interest. I am willing to try something at least once to live and tell the story that I did it. Growing up I had many adventures and journeys i wanted to take. My head was filled with imagination and excitement on what this world had to offer me.Before I die... I wanna fly in an F18. I wanna travel outside the country to more than just Canada. I would love to see Italy, Australia, Ireland, England, Spain, && so much more. I love to learn new things and grow knowledge into other cultures and ways of living. I live my life with an open mind and an acceptance to everything. I  try not to judge until i have experienced it. I would love to go to another country and volunteer in need. I wanna expand more into my photography. I think life is a canvas and everything needs to be captured. I wanna sky dive. snorkle. deep sea dive. take a cruise. road trip to every state in america. I wanna be a nurse && then maybe change my proffession 10 years after that. Build a home. So much more and even though im 19 i feel like im already running outta time to do it all. I love to help and inspire. I live off positive and try to make others feel cheery and positive too. If i could go back in time to be a little kid i would say the simpler things made me happy. I wanna dance sing and kiss in the rain. Who said since im a big girl i can't get muddy! hike a huge moutain. I live for wild things too like learn how to drive a motorcycle. Drag race in a real draggster. I would love to take a trip to alaska. Put a smile on someones face. make someone feel good about themseleves. Give to others. I do have a softer side when i choose to put my guard down. I feel that before i die i will find my true purpose here and so far its passion and happiness. I just have a passion to learn something try it and share it. I live to make others feel happy even if i can't always make myself. Before i die i wanna give my girls the most in life i can and thats knowledge. Im  smart when i use it. I have potential if i try. I just hold back and im not sure why. I wanna go to a super bowl and root for the underdog.  I wanna ride in a hot air balloon. hang glide (spelling) Im not the brightest crayon in the box but i have a lot of dreams. some harder to reach than others but before i die i just wanna feel satisfied to know that i have made a mark in someones life changed it for a good reason and will forever be remembered. I wanna write a book even if it never gets published. Goals && my girls are what keep me striving to succeed. I dont have time to dwell on who is dating my ex husband and if your in love with me or not. Right now in my life at this very moment on i only have time to be the best mother i can be and achieve my dreams. If somone happens to slip the fingers between mine and go along for the ride thats fine just hope there ready for my joy ride of life.

Lost && Found

Im letting go of everything. Every emotion I ever felt is just being lost. I am so over annoyed pissed hurt confused lost at this point i dont even give a shit. I came out of a shitty break up this summer. I had all the friends in the world be there and stay by my side. Now who do i have to call && wanna hang out with? Who am i gonna text to cheer me up?! No one. All my good friends are outta state and miles away and i hope the selfish bastards who take me for granted feel like shit because my close friends outta state would do anything to have me be there and support && help them like i do you ignorant fucks here.Now see there is a lot of shit i keep to myself or just nod my head to even though i dont agree. As a good loyal friend who always keeps her word i stay by yourside till you say different. Well for whatever reason people seem to think im a mind reader and that im gonna understsand if im not talking to you anymore were not friends. Uh no bitch i dont get that if you dont say your upset with me or im bugging you im not gonna know && gonna keep bugging you till i piss you off and were at a screaming match! Im over it. I really am sick of people down my throat about how they dont matter and i dropped them off the face of the earth when truth is ITS YOU! when i call you dont answer. When i ask to hang out you say you have plans. When I offer my assistance in helping you say  your fine. Then i have to go on a fucking internet social network to find out your asking for help. or your bored and need plans. or your upset and wanna vent. YET WHEN I OFFER ALL THIS I GET SHIT ON! Im going through a rough time right now. I guess when your friends find boyfriends or get married you no longer matter cause your single and they dont have time to do anything with you. or even talk to you. Or when im upset and need someone and i dont turn to them im the shitty friend? No im so pissed! and annoyed! and feel just simply betrayed at how much someone changes over the course of a few weeks. I am honestly self destructing and shutting down. If im a bitch again im sorry. If i come off too strong. tough shit. If i just dont seem to give a shit anyore I DONT CARE! UGHH alls i wanted was to be loved and surrounded by good friends i can grow old with have get togethers with and just call when needed and when i wanna move to start knew to find these people im shitty. well as of now i simply dont give a fuck this girl is over love && friendship because to me its all bullshit!