Earthquake!!

So my world feels like im going through an earthquake. Sometimes natural disasters lead to beautiful  outcomes but during this shaky time you feel like you will never see the new foundation it has formed. Im over annoyed at the moment. I am 19, a Single mother of Two babies. 22 months and 8 months. Its rough. My husband and i divorced over the summer i fell apart but grew stronger. I feel as though im a willow tree. Strong and sturdy but have a few branches bent over every time I hit a down fall, But after that down fall my branches grow stronger and longer.  I have chosen to allow my Ex Husband and his current girlfriend take care of my girls. As a selfless act for my children I sacrifice my time with them to work two jobs and go to school to give them a better life down the road. I am not a bad mother, I am a strong mother. It takes a very strong women to give up her time with her babies to work hard for them. Everyday I miss out it eats me alive inside. I miss my girls more than anything in this world. I would give them everything I could to make sure they live a life full of happiness. I am 19, I am still a baby raising babies. I never had much of a child hood and I will admit the time that I do get to be like a teenager it feels amazing and wrong at the same time. Wrong because i feel guilty knowing that on my spare time i should be with them every second i get and also wrong because other people judge me saying Im a shitty mom, or i dont care about my girls. I find it funny that when my girls were born and i was married and the "ideal family" peopled idoled me and complimented me all the time on how strong I was and how amazing of a mom i was and how they hope to be as strong as me when they have children. And now that im this broken down family and a single mom trying to piece it together for them im some horrible person who doesn't like her children anymore. I love my girls they come first and always will. If i were joining the service would that make me a shitty mom for giving my girls a better future? NO! so why you must judge and cast false judgement on what im doing or listen to one side of the story is beyond me. If you must know my lifes plan here it is... I am moving out whether its out of state or some place else in ny i am 19 and i have two children i do not need to continue living at home with my  mommy im a big girl now and i need to start acting like one. I am working two jobs to save money to move out and go to school. And if i have to continue asking richard to watch the girls who stays at home and is very much capable of doing so I will take full advantage for  our girls to have a parent to suceed and be stable for them. If its not him it will be me. I am appauled that because I drink, or live the teenage life when I DO NOT HAVE THEM im horrible. Moms who are 21 all the way up to 40 drink have get togethers adult parties with their friends and go out every now and then. Just because i do not want to be that mother who has her midlife crisis at 35 and try to act my childrens age does not make me a shitty mom.I bet you most moms out there wanna scream pull there hair out at times want a break and often feel the way i do but your better than me cause you dont admit it. Wrong i admit it because i do not wanna hold regret or anger towards my children later on down the road. If you want to judge me or my parenting go ahead. I know what I am doing is the right thing. And for those who continue to talk shit about me as a mother should be thankful i was "smart" to let richard hold onto them.. Until  your a single parent or a parent at all and wanna judge me on what i think is best for my girls dont talk to me or about me cause you dont know! My girls are my world and forever will be im a momma bear and i dont play. And it would be selfish of me to keep them struggling like this just so i dont miss out. Being a full time stay at home mommy is hard i did it for a year in a half but when your a single mom on one income we need to do what we need to do and either way im missing out on there life whether there at daycare while i work or home with there daddy i will have the same amount time with them as i do now. so why people seem to talk shit cracks me up because im doing the right thing and what most parents have done out there. I love my girls very much and would give anything to spend every second of there life with them but with this economy i simply can't doing it alone. so for those of you who have something negative to say about what im doing FUCK OFF! cause when i can proudly say i own a nice home have a degree in nursing and can be the wonderful mom i was born to be i will be laughing because you chose to stay poor and selfish towards your child wanting to watch them grow up so you sit poor and miserable on your ass struggling while im providing the best life i ever could have for my girls!! so the next time you think twice to say im a shitty mom to my girls think twice about your own actions and how your gonna provide for your children.. while i sacrifice my time to make money for them you sit at home gossiping and bitching how broke you are leaching off of people and the govt to help you. And if i have offended anyone i appologize because there are different circumstances for stay at home moms and i get that. not all are unsucessful but for those who look at me and say omg i can't believe her and what she is doing i could never miss out on my childs life think twice about how different our situations are. cause you truly dont know, until you did my daily routine.

Things I Wanna Do Before I Die.

I'm a girl with many interest. I am willing to try something at least once to live and tell the story that I did it. Growing up I had many adventures and journeys i wanted to take. My head was filled with imagination and excitement on what this world had to offer me.Before I die... I wanna fly in an F18. I wanna travel outside the country to more than just Canada. I would love to see Italy, Australia, Ireland, England, Spain, && so much more. I love to learn new things and grow knowledge into other cultures and ways of living. I live my life with an open mind and an acceptance to everything. I  try not to judge until i have experienced it. I would love to go to another country and volunteer in need. I wanna expand more into my photography. I think life is a canvas and everything needs to be captured. I wanna sky dive. snorkle. deep sea dive. take a cruise. road trip to every state in america. I wanna be a nurse && then maybe change my proffession 10 years after that. Build a home. So much more and even though im 19 i feel like im already running outta time to do it all. I love to help and inspire. I live off positive and try to make others feel cheery and positive too. If i could go back in time to be a little kid i would say the simpler things made me happy. I wanna dance sing and kiss in the rain. Who said since im a big girl i can't get muddy! hike a huge moutain. I live for wild things too like learn how to drive a motorcycle. Drag race in a real draggster. I would love to take a trip to alaska. Put a smile on someones face. make someone feel good about themseleves. Give to others. I do have a softer side when i choose to put my guard down. I feel that before i die i will find my true purpose here and so far its passion and happiness. I just have a passion to learn something try it and share it. I live to make others feel happy even if i can't always make myself. Before i die i wanna give my girls the most in life i can and thats knowledge. Im  smart when i use it. I have potential if i try. I just hold back and im not sure why. I wanna go to a super bowl and root for the underdog.  I wanna ride in a hot air balloon. hang glide (spelling) Im not the brightest crayon in the box but i have a lot of dreams. some harder to reach than others but before i die i just wanna feel satisfied to know that i have made a mark in someones life changed it for a good reason and will forever be remembered. I wanna write a book even if it never gets published. Goals && my girls are what keep me striving to succeed. I dont have time to dwell on who is dating my ex husband and if your in love with me or not. Right now in my life at this very moment on i only have time to be the best mother i can be and achieve my dreams. If somone happens to slip the fingers between mine and go along for the ride thats fine just hope there ready for my joy ride of life.

Lost && Found

Im letting go of everything. Every emotion I ever felt is just being lost. I am so over annoyed pissed hurt confused lost at this point i dont even give a shit. I came out of a shitty break up this summer. I had all the friends in the world be there and stay by my side. Now who do i have to call && wanna hang out with? Who am i gonna text to cheer me up?! No one. All my good friends are outta state and miles away and i hope the selfish bastards who take me for granted feel like shit because my close friends outta state would do anything to have me be there and support && help them like i do you ignorant fucks here.Now see there is a lot of shit i keep to myself or just nod my head to even though i dont agree. As a good loyal friend who always keeps her word i stay by yourside till you say different. Well for whatever reason people seem to think im a mind reader and that im gonna understsand if im not talking to you anymore were not friends. Uh no bitch i dont get that if you dont say your upset with me or im bugging you im not gonna know && gonna keep bugging you till i piss you off and were at a screaming match! Im over it. I really am sick of people down my throat about how they dont matter and i dropped them off the face of the earth when truth is ITS YOU! when i call you dont answer. When i ask to hang out you say you have plans. When I offer my assistance in helping you say  your fine. Then i have to go on a fucking internet social network to find out your asking for help. or your bored and need plans. or your upset and wanna vent. YET WHEN I OFFER ALL THIS I GET SHIT ON! Im going through a rough time right now. I guess when your friends find boyfriends or get married you no longer matter cause your single and they dont have time to do anything with you. or even talk to you. Or when im upset and need someone and i dont turn to them im the shitty friend? No im so pissed! and annoyed! and feel just simply betrayed at how much someone changes over the course of a few weeks. I am honestly self destructing and shutting down. If im a bitch again im sorry. If i come off too strong. tough shit. If i just dont seem to give a shit anyore I DONT CARE! UGHH alls i wanted was to be loved and surrounded by good friends i can grow old with have get togethers with and just call when needed and when i wanna move to start knew to find these people im shitty. well as of now i simply dont give a fuck this girl is over love && friendship because to me its all bullshit!

Fingerprints never fade from the lives we have touched.

Fingerprints never fade away from the lives we have touched. And sometimes we either remember or lose sight from those who have helped us reach the successful point in our life. I  know that i have been hit with a rough patch in life and I couldn't thank the close friends enough that have stuck by me and kept me sain. I would very much like to thank all that have stood by me when i was weak, picked me up when i fell, calmed me down when i seemed crazy, and comforted me when i beat myself up. Im not perfect nor do i try to be i simply am me. I have came a long way from 3 months ago, yes i still have a lot of maturing and growing up to do but I can finally say I MADE IT! I have finally made it to a check point in life where i carry a new found confidence in my step. I am strong and proud. 3 months ago i was a coward heartless bitch. I had no appreciation for anything and took everything for granted and I am happy to say that i have grown up to love and appreciate all that has came my way. Life is all on perspective and how we tackle the daily challenges and if we always start the day with a negative attitude we wont accomplish nearly enough as we could with a positive one. I have lived and loved i have hurt and recovered and im gonna make it through. From being sexually abused, parents in and out of my life, raising my brother, having two children, married&& divorced. I must say im doing alright for 19. My flaws and insecurities keep getting the best of me and now that i have made it to be stable enough to care for another man in my life i keep fucking up. I would like to say that i have my ducks in row goal in my head and on the road to meeting it I would finally just like to have someone there to hold my hand along the way,no i dont need it but i would like to have someone there on the sideline cheering me on every now and then. I have over come my fear of being alone. I have tackled the challenge of doing it on my own. I have even enjoyed the party life of going out getting drunk crazy hookups and forgetting in the morning. And now i wanna settle and focus on the long term. I feel that i have made a stable foundation for myself and my girls and even though i can't force or push for a relationship i would hope someone would come along the way. Speaking of this i am still learning the task of patience. I can tend to come off obsessive or pushy because im so use to a guy saying he liked me and the next day were dating so to actually have to work at a relationship is a whole new thing for me and i dont take it very well and it makes me look bad on my part so its all about learning && hopefully those who are doing the  teaching can understand cause the key to relationships and even friendship is communication and without it we will just get annoyed iritated and end up disliking each other for not fulling knowing what the other one wants or needs. Trial and error is all i can really do and sooner rather than later I will get better at this. I just need to keep those who have touched my life close by and continue to shine because they have pushed me this far and its wayy to late to quit now. I continue this journey strong and open minded. I keep taking risks to learn and sometimes i am gonna fail or fall down but i still feel good for trying it. I just would like to hope those i have made a bad impression on can clear the board and give me another try to realize im not a bad guy.

Am I really?

Dont you just love to hear all about your life in third person? An everyone believes the person telling your story because they live your life? Right? Wrong. Am I really that awful crazy phyco because i simply want whats best for my girls and dont know which way to turn? Am i really that crazy because i had to ask someone who i thought was my best friend to fix my marriage? Am I really that phyco because im an over protective mom looking out for the greater good of my childrens life in that very moment? Yes. Then im the shittiest person ever walking this planet right now. Were human everyone fucks up ALOT! and dont say you dont cause you do. Were human we have thoughts feelings emotions && opinions. But we always tend to focus on the bad in people. Its our natural deffense to choose sides talk down among people. Hold grudges for pointless time periods. And even continueously remind ourselves what that person did wrong to have a reason to keep disliking them. The minute a person messes up we never open up to hope that they just might change. We never re-think of the good memories and laugh we had with people to remind ourselves what made us love and care about them in the first place. Sure were not going to like everyone but there is no need for rude cruel haterid towards people. If its one thing we all do is the minute someone dislikes a person we have an auto button to disliking them too without even knowing whats wrong. Sure we never mean to burn bridges hurt feelings break hearts or even screw up, but this is life these things happen. But a good person would always find the positive in a situation. It took a lot of of me to try to accept what im phasing in life it takes everything outta me to be nice and play fair but what good am i doing fighting back? what am i showing by being hateful back? nothing. that i simply havn't changed or grown up. This is my life my story if you do not like me then fine but there is no need to bad talk me because there is some little thing about me you dont like. I have been judged spit up chewed out and broken. I still stand here as strong as a soldier. I hate holding grudges i hate disliking people even if they did me wrong thats not who i am. And if you  allow the negative affect your judgement on me then your an ignorant person. We have auto button to look straight for the bad before we think of good. We could list 10 bad things right off the bat before we could ever say five nice things. Im awful and terrible and crazy because for my girls sake i wanna raise them to tell them i tried. Im phycho because i tried to put up a fight to take back what was mine. When angry we always say bad things we always over axadurate situations for people to favor our sides. I dont need that people like me for me not because of what i make up. life has natural drama and thats enough for me anything over the top of that is un needed. and though i may not be happy and though i may be "the bad guy" at least i come out saying that i faced it head on without lying and smooshing to make myself look like the better person. I have flaws several they are what keep me learning on how to grow up and when the time comes things will fall into place and for all the right reasons. I just want people to know that im not what is being said. Im hurt and upset and thats a big difference. so still think im awful and whatever else thats on you. I just know that i want my girls to have the family they deserve the ones who created them because its no ones place or responsibility to raise them but us. and if we can't come together to be civil talk and attempt to fix things then i would say we were ignorant for allowing hate get && anger get the best of us. stop judging me from negative and see me from a positive you will realize im a pretty good person.

wilting flower

Yesterday was my anniversary, it was warm sunny and beautiful so i was for sure it was gonna be a great day. My hubby woke up early took Audrina shopping for my present and i thought he had something really sweet planned for us. I was wrong! he came home we play cod till 4:30 i finally got ready to go thinking he was gonna take me out,we went to long horn steak house for dinner and to see fast five. The whole day he was on his cell phone texting even during cod!! which usually if i do that he yells at me so i was shocked to see him more into his phone than the game. With that being said it has made me think that the time is coming that he is looking for something else? He kept hiding his phone and wouldnt tell me who he was talking to. I turned it off in the car because he asked me to throw it on the charger so shut it off to charge sure enough he turns it back on. We get to the resturant sit down and we dont speak he is just on his phone! So i just started texting people on my phone we pretty much sat in silence the whole dinner. We had small talk but it was pathetic we couldn't keep up a conversation with each other. First and probably only time we will get to do something alone for a while and it was like a normal day out! He had a puss on his face because i finished my dinner faster than him and just sat there and i of course ask him what is wrong and he stated "nothing just feels like another day to me" really?! Am i not that special enough to him that he couldn't of gone outside the box to do something really sweet! he use to be cute and do sweet spontaneous stuff all the time. I feel like im losing his interest and if so he should just let go i dont wanna keep begging for his attention love and tell him how to be cute and sweet he should just do it. I figured he would buy me flowers and a nice card take me out to dinner and maybe go to our first date place and just snuggle or something romantic. I can feel that the time is near that what we have been holding onto is slipping away its like walking on a very thin line and any moment one of us is gonna snap it for the other.
Im at a loss because what use to be is no longer and maybe im the blame for it but i know that we both deserve to be happy we both deserve to be loved and if im not it then im not it i dont wanna keep living with a curtain over the big picture because i can't keep pretending nothing is wrong and hold my feelings back. I have said all i needed to say i have done everything i possibly could im outta ideas and now its only up to him to start doing what he thinks he needs to do to keep this thing alive because im not sure i have what it takes to keep holding on much longer. I know they say if you love someone you will always find a way to keep holding on but really? when its a one way street and your the only one making it work it gets old it would be nice to know im loved back it would be nice to feel special again.

Change

I find the need to constantly be changing, how i act, how i look,how i dress everything. I am competetive within myself. I would say im jealous of lots of things but if im not always dressed nice or looking my best or something in that way i feel down about myself. Is that so wrong? Image to me is everything my girls always need to be dressed nice and cleaned up even when there sick i hate them having nasty goopy boogers stuck to there nose i make sure there always clean and looking there best. I know in the long run it will bite me in the ass because they will grow up "snoody" even though i dont bring them up that way its just becaus i like my girls always being clean in the public eye it will make them that way. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on today i havn't been taking my medicine on time the past few days so its throwing me off a bit and im backing to being a little depressed. My one year wedding anniversary is this sunday and to think if were celebrating it i doubt it. Were still becoming more and more distant im losing my reason of holding on. And there is also some other outside non sense going on thats making me just wanna leave. I know people say if you truely love someone you will stick around no matter the circumstances but i know that i will always love my husband but i wont always love the different people were becoming and the choices were deciding to make in our lives. I use to think we were the perfect couple and now were just that couple with a shit load of problems. its not healthy for our girls.
I am working two jobs now and with all this income coming in my eyes are lit up like a fire cracker and im wanting to go spend crazy! i have not been able to shop for myself in a very long time sure i get things but for me to go to the store and buy something for myself has not happened in a very very long time and i think it will be nice but in a sense i know i can't spend too much because i have bills i need to pay and i wanna go to virginia beach this summer and take the girls to sesami theme park and also camp and do the fun things there is to do in ny so i have to save save save. I feel bad though for how much time im spending away from my girls i am turning into my mother who works all the time away from her kids and i always told myself i will be nothing like her and sure enough i am doing what she is doing. although she works to get away from her family im working to provide she enjoys being at work and being away from her kids i rather be a stay at home mom any day but i know i can't. Ugh today is just one of those days there is also some other things on my mind i would like to get off my chest but i know i will offend several people who read my blogs!