Change

I find the need to constantly be changing, how i act, how i look,how i dress everything. I am competetive within myself. I would say im jealous of lots of things but if im not always dressed nice or looking my best or something in that way i feel down about myself. Is that so wrong? Image to me is everything my girls always need to be dressed nice and cleaned up even when there sick i hate them having nasty goopy boogers stuck to there nose i make sure there always clean and looking there best. I know in the long run it will bite me in the ass because they will grow up "snoody" even though i dont bring them up that way its just becaus i like my girls always being clean in the public eye it will make them that way. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on today i havn't been taking my medicine on time the past few days so its throwing me off a bit and im backing to being a little depressed. My one year wedding anniversary is this sunday and to think if were celebrating it i doubt it. Were still becoming more and more distant im losing my reason of holding on. And there is also some other outside non sense going on thats making me just wanna leave. I know people say if you truely love someone you will stick around no matter the circumstances but i know that i will always love my husband but i wont always love the different people were becoming and the choices were deciding to make in our lives. I use to think we were the perfect couple and now were just that couple with a shit load of problems. its not healthy for our girls.
I am working two jobs now and with all this income coming in my eyes are lit up like a fire cracker and im wanting to go spend crazy! i have not been able to shop for myself in a very long time sure i get things but for me to go to the store and buy something for myself has not happened in a very very long time and i think it will be nice but in a sense i know i can't spend too much because i have bills i need to pay and i wanna go to virginia beach this summer and take the girls to sesami theme park and also camp and do the fun things there is to do in ny so i have to save save save. I feel bad though for how much time im spending away from my girls i am turning into my mother who works all the time away from her kids and i always told myself i will be nothing like her and sure enough i am doing what she is doing. although she works to get away from her family im working to provide she enjoys being at work and being away from her kids i rather be a stay at home mom any day but i know i can't. Ugh today is just one of those days there is also some other things on my mind i would like to get off my chest but i know i will offend several people who read my blogs!