Behind the smile

 I live my life like nothing is wrong and i have it all, when reality is i have nothing. I cover up my insecurities and self confidence with a smile. The bre people see is a spoiled brat and thats not what i want to be known as. But i dont wanna be known as a baby either. Im very insecure about my looks my height race weight everything. The person i see in the mirror is not the person i invision in my head. I grew up with all white kids I never knew much of racism until i moved to tennessee and i never knew people could be so hurtful and hate me over the color of my skin and for then i hated myself. I didn't want to be "tan" anymore. I couldn't even have a boyfriend because his parents didnt like the color of my skin so i rebelled and acted out of term because i thought it was stupid. Now a days being tan is the cool thing and i love who i am and the different herittages i am but there are days i worry that my children will grow up being picked on too and people will say the awful hurtful things they said to me and i dont want that for them. I also hate the size i am. Being short means being tiny if your not tiny your fat and i struggle a weight problem all the time. There have been times i dont eat for weeks until im down to the size i wanna be. If im any bigger than a size 7 in pants i feel disgusting and look gross. body image is something that runs in my family my mom faces an eating disorder mines not as bad as hers but i have realized that when it comes to how i look im just like her and it sickens me because i should be happy and love myself because if i dont start i will only hurt myself more in the end. All these bad habbits and insecure is coming in the way of my happiness its a battle i struggle with everyday that i cover up with a smile for my girls and everyone else to ignore because i fear of being judge. I live my like wanting to be liked by everyone and i know thats impossible but i feel that everyone deserves a chance and you can't judge them or dislike them until you get to know them and i have never really truly let anyone get to know the real bre until now. so no more fake smile its time for real ones.