Rocky

Not to long ago I pretty much lost everything. For close friends who have stayed by my side I can't thank you enough for keeping me in high spirits and giving me such kind words to help me stay motivated to get where I am today. Everyday we learn something new whether we realize it or not. When were not so busy caught up in the world and get the chance to step back use that time to influence you how you can do better. As most know I did not graduate from high school. I was pregnant by seventeen married by eighteen divorced by twenty. We always have a dream or vision of how life should be or what we want it to be but truth is no matter how hard we try to make it what we want there will always be something thats going to throw us off course. After three years I finally graduated with my GED. Never would I have thought I would be a teen mother with no education and married and divorced already! Sure something always sounds good within that moment but we forget or lose sight of what the consequences may be. This is were i learned my lesson on (Think before we Act/ Or Speak). For those who dont know yes richard and I are no longer together, We are now divorced but working through our problems. Our relationship will never be the same but as friends we are stronger than ever. We are no longer together and I do not forsee us getting back together but it is nice that we were able to mend the issue and become friends again. As for what happened between us I do not wish that was how things ended but I can say Im thankful for the lesson i have learned and I grew up from the whole situation. Rummors will always spread people will always gossip or have there own way of taking in a story but unless you do not fully know what was said then you should not say anything at all. Nor should you be telling someone elses business even if you do know. It takes a long time to become trusting of someone, so why would you want to break such a bond that you have with someone? Think before you act or speak. Because of the nasty break up People watched me hit rock bottom. It was there glory time they had all sorts of nasty things to gossip about and say about me. To set the record straight for anyone who has been with someone for five years think of the major emotions your going to experience especially married. Love is suppose to conquor all and when it doesn't you feel like you failed and anyone who knows the feeling of failure goes on a down hill spiral. When you have failed as a wife you feel that you fail as a friend, and a mother. If i couldn't have held my marriage together for myself and for the girls what was my purpose? For months i hid my feelings I never wanted to look weak. I partied and lost a reason to care. I stayed a good mom and placed the girls with there fathers care for i felt at that time was what was best for them. Doesnt mean im a bad mom or stopped loving them I don't think you can ever stop loving your child, but they did need to be in a stable envirornment and for anyone who put me down because of it has no idea how low i felt. and i needed to find myself. Here I am a year later some days are better than others but I still have insecurties worries and things i struggle through. Who doesn't? But to be so young and to come out of a divorce and now be on my way to school, have my career lined up I would say I held it together the best I could have at that moment and got my shit together. I love my daughters they are my world and my rock without them I probably would be way off the grid getting into who knows what. But im not. Im here supporting two children the best I can while trying to support myself and get myself where I should have been before i jump the trigger to starting a family. I can admitt im not as mature or nearly responsible as I thought I was. It took me to lose almost everything to realize I am still a child and I still need help and I can't do it all on my own and I need to slow down. Were always in a rush, to work, to school, through anything but slow down when it comes to growing up. Life is very short before you know it you will be graduated and out on your own when that day comes make sure your prepared because if your not you could end up on the downhill spiral. Life is always about a lesson how to work through it & what the value of that lesson is. Complaining is the easy route but taking the time to figure it out is worth the struggle. When asked the question what could you change about your life. Nothing is the answer. Because without downfalls we wont know how to be strong enough to stand where we stand today. Choices know your choices and consequences that go with them. Education isnt just about going to school and learning all about math science english and history its also about everyday life that help you make better choices to push forward. Never judge for it is ignorance. Were all different and were made that way for a reason no ones opinion is ever wrong nor right its an opinion and if it happens to be one you dont agree on so what you will never see eye to eye with everyone doesn't make them a bad person simply shows you the different CHOICES you could make in life. Until we open our eyes to what is actually out there and take advantage of our education we will continue to live in a hateful world. Everyone wants world peace without having the open mind to start the trend.

The new chapter

As promised there will be more blogs to come, Life for me is a tad bit complicated. For those who do not have children please do not judge younger mothers who are making the best of there situation. Yes we chose to have the beautiful blessings god gave us, but no one i do not care at what age is ever ready to care for another human being. People continue to ask me for advice about having children, how to prepare, or what to expect during and after pregnancy. So this blog is for you! As a teen mother i have learned to get successful you have to learn to make sacrifices. There is a time to be (selfish) and a time to be the most amazing mother you were set out to be. With pregnancy there comes several new emotions you could never truly prepare to deal with but there is a way to cope. Become friends with other mommies is my number one advice without other mommy support your going to pull your hair out with your new found hormones. There are so many what is the right or wrong thing you should be doing but motherhood is all on how you deal with it. Its a joyful time with friends and family and embrace that moment for it goes by quick. How to prepare. Well when you feel comfortable to share the exciting news there are several cute ways you can go about doing it to kinda kill off the nervousness. Dont be alarmed when there are people who dont seem (happy) for you because thats not is everyone takes pregnancy in there own way there are gonna be people who support you and be excited for you and then there are the people who are going to put you down and ask what the hell are you thinking. AGE doesn't make a difference to how good or bad of a mother you will be or already are. I dont recommend girls getting pregnant at 16 years old for your life is just beginning and you wanna enjoy the few teenage years your granted but please be ready for the major sacrafices there are to come. Parents are always the hardest ones to break the news to but know they love you and will support you no matter what happens to you in life. they may be disappointed but all the more motivation it gives you to prove to them you can do this and once they see those cute adorable faces they will have to come around. I mean who can resist a baby? Early signs of pregnancy for first timers usually do not come around till 8 weeks but all bodies are different. Make a doctors appointment speak to your OB and take the next step. When the time is right for you announce the news. Hormones are natural your gonna be moody annoyed and bitchy a lot its not you its your hormones and you do earn the free pass IM PREGNANT HELLO! haha. Nesting and cravings all come later i say mid trimester middle of your second almost to your third thats when you find out what your having, showing, and ready to start getting things for the new bundle of love. I always always always tell friends get the what to expect while expecting book its a pregnancy bible and it will answer all questions friends or pregnancy sites can't. And if that isn't enough ask your DR. Once baby comes get a routine even though your baby is a few weeks old if you set a routine and stick to it all the way till they are one you will gain your sleep back. the first years are fun. I always say dads may not come around till once the baby is here only for the sake that you have an instant bond the moment you find out your pregnant rather than dads who cant truly bond till they hold there child. so ladies dont fear that he isn't excited he is just doesn't fully sink it till that baby is saying hello im ready to come out. For working moms have no fear its natural to have more separation anxiety than your baby but were new moms is scary and no one ever wants to leave something they adore and love so much but they will be fine. and if you need to go out for fifteen minutes then try longer periods of time to be away till your comfortable moms do need there social life as well! I love being a mom with sacrifices there are beautiful and special moments to come raising children. your never alone any worry you have someone else has im not the mommy expert but as a young mom trying to make the best of life as i can its hard. I wont deny it. Some days i want my social life, or to go out, or to have a glass of wine, and for those who dont have children dont put down any mother unless you have all sources saying they are an unfit parents its not easy there is so many emotions and frustrations that its natural to need some mommy time alone. Motherhood is a wonderful "club" to be in and i wish all women who deserve to be parents have the chance to be parents. Never feel alone because someone out there is probably thinking the same thing you are or have the same worries as you but in the end they will love you no matter what and still cuddle up to you with those warming smiles that makes your rough day better. Its a time to learn and make mistakes everyone is going to parent different and have different views outlooks and experience never judge because its not easy.

A new flower has blossomed

Spring is the time blossom and blume into the beautiful flower you were destine to be. My story still continues even after i stop writing. I needed some me time, I feel that over this past year i have conquered so many things that now is my moment to stop and acknowledge all the hard work i put in to get myself here. Life is all about finding yourself, your interest, what you were destine to do or be, to over come fears ,face everyday challenges and the thats life. At times it sucks and when we feel alone those are the moments we need to try to accomplish most. You are never alone in life, sometimes we worry so much about being alone that we forget our priorities and when we get into a comfortable zone where we can have our cake and eat it too god seems to wanna give us our wakeup call that this is not how he wants us to be living. At 20 years old no wants to be divorced with two children and barely an education to get by on. I am currently working towards my CNA this summer && starting flcc in fall. If i could give any type of advice it would stop worrying about needing people. stop worrying about materialistics in life or what everyone else has. What others have isn't going to make you any better than them nor give you the happyness you see them have. In life its all about competition who can afford the most expensive items or who has the better clothes,car, spouse, house anything and everything we can compete with we will. And we lose ourself in that. We truly forget about what we do have and how to appreciate and cherish what we were already blessed with. I learned this very valuable lesson the past two months. It was a nice wake up call to see who truly was my friend who was able to stick it out and stay by my side. Who supported me and picked me up when i was at my weakest and i found myself. I was a victom of competition. I was wrapped up in jealousy over wanting the most expensive accessories we dont even need to survive. God took away all things i thought i could not live without and gave me no choice but to sink or swim. Im not a religous person but until god gave me a wake up call and alls had left to fall on was pray i started to believe in the wonderful miracles he blesses us with everyday. Life is such a beautiful thing when its so simple. I dont need a phone or 500 facebook friends to be happy. I do not need a man to take care of me, and i dont need what everyone else has. Because until we learn how to be happy with the basics in life we will never know true happyness when were granted the luxaries of everything there is to offer. This has been a major journey for me. Im currently happier than i have ever been in a long time. I am content with the few friends i have because more importantly i learned how to appreciate my family. Being isolated from the world helps you realize who you really need, the personalities of who you thought you needed in your life. and what you truly want and whats really important. If all people could actually go two months in what i call isolation mode with very little accesorries i think people would understand how to be happy and over come and clean out the chaos they creat in life. until then people will continue to be miserable and spiteful of others. Spring 2012 is the beginning to my new journey and im very excited to share with others, and see what there is to come! hope your ready for the new Bre and for those who always stayed by me supported me and liked reading my blogs thank you if it wasn't for you i wouldn't have a reason to write. my goal is to support and help im opening my heart and keeping and open mind to help all those in need and if there is anyway i can i will do my best. hope you enjoy and continue to read

Earthquake!!

So my world feels like im going through an earthquake. Sometimes natural disasters lead to beautiful  outcomes but during this shaky time you feel like you will never see the new foundation it has formed. Im over annoyed at the moment. I am 19, a Single mother of Two babies. 22 months and 8 months. Its rough. My husband and i divorced over the summer i fell apart but grew stronger. I feel as though im a willow tree. Strong and sturdy but have a few branches bent over every time I hit a down fall, But after that down fall my branches grow stronger and longer.  I have chosen to allow my Ex Husband and his current girlfriend take care of my girls. As a selfless act for my children I sacrifice my time with them to work two jobs and go to school to give them a better life down the road. I am not a bad mother, I am a strong mother. It takes a very strong women to give up her time with her babies to work hard for them. Everyday I miss out it eats me alive inside. I miss my girls more than anything in this world. I would give them everything I could to make sure they live a life full of happiness. I am 19, I am still a baby raising babies. I never had much of a child hood and I will admit the time that I do get to be like a teenager it feels amazing and wrong at the same time. Wrong because i feel guilty knowing that on my spare time i should be with them every second i get and also wrong because other people judge me saying Im a shitty mom, or i dont care about my girls. I find it funny that when my girls were born and i was married and the "ideal family" peopled idoled me and complimented me all the time on how strong I was and how amazing of a mom i was and how they hope to be as strong as me when they have children. And now that im this broken down family and a single mom trying to piece it together for them im some horrible person who doesn't like her children anymore. I love my girls they come first and always will. If i were joining the service would that make me a shitty mom for giving my girls a better future? NO! so why you must judge and cast false judgement on what im doing or listen to one side of the story is beyond me. If you must know my lifes plan here it is... I am moving out whether its out of state or some place else in ny i am 19 and i have two children i do not need to continue living at home with my  mommy im a big girl now and i need to start acting like one. I am working two jobs to save money to move out and go to school. And if i have to continue asking richard to watch the girls who stays at home and is very much capable of doing so I will take full advantage for  our girls to have a parent to suceed and be stable for them. If its not him it will be me. I am appauled that because I drink, or live the teenage life when I DO NOT HAVE THEM im horrible. Moms who are 21 all the way up to 40 drink have get togethers adult parties with their friends and go out every now and then. Just because i do not want to be that mother who has her midlife crisis at 35 and try to act my childrens age does not make me a shitty mom.I bet you most moms out there wanna scream pull there hair out at times want a break and often feel the way i do but your better than me cause you dont admit it. Wrong i admit it because i do not wanna hold regret or anger towards my children later on down the road. If you want to judge me or my parenting go ahead. I know what I am doing is the right thing. And for those who continue to talk shit about me as a mother should be thankful i was "smart" to let richard hold onto them.. Until  your a single parent or a parent at all and wanna judge me on what i think is best for my girls dont talk to me or about me cause you dont know! My girls are my world and forever will be im a momma bear and i dont play. And it would be selfish of me to keep them struggling like this just so i dont miss out. Being a full time stay at home mommy is hard i did it for a year in a half but when your a single mom on one income we need to do what we need to do and either way im missing out on there life whether there at daycare while i work or home with there daddy i will have the same amount time with them as i do now. so why people seem to talk shit cracks me up because im doing the right thing and what most parents have done out there. I love my girls very much and would give anything to spend every second of there life with them but with this economy i simply can't doing it alone. so for those of you who have something negative to say about what im doing FUCK OFF! cause when i can proudly say i own a nice home have a degree in nursing and can be the wonderful mom i was born to be i will be laughing because you chose to stay poor and selfish towards your child wanting to watch them grow up so you sit poor and miserable on your ass struggling while im providing the best life i ever could have for my girls!! so the next time you think twice to say im a shitty mom to my girls think twice about your own actions and how your gonna provide for your children.. while i sacrifice my time to make money for them you sit at home gossiping and bitching how broke you are leaching off of people and the govt to help you. And if i have offended anyone i appologize because there are different circumstances for stay at home moms and i get that. not all are unsucessful but for those who look at me and say omg i can't believe her and what she is doing i could never miss out on my childs life think twice about how different our situations are. cause you truly dont know, until you did my daily routine.

Things I Wanna Do Before I Die.

I'm a girl with many interest. I am willing to try something at least once to live and tell the story that I did it. Growing up I had many adventures and journeys i wanted to take. My head was filled with imagination and excitement on what this world had to offer me.Before I die... I wanna fly in an F18. I wanna travel outside the country to more than just Canada. I would love to see Italy, Australia, Ireland, England, Spain, && so much more. I love to learn new things and grow knowledge into other cultures and ways of living. I live my life with an open mind and an acceptance to everything. I  try not to judge until i have experienced it. I would love to go to another country and volunteer in need. I wanna expand more into my photography. I think life is a canvas and everything needs to be captured. I wanna sky dive. snorkle. deep sea dive. take a cruise. road trip to every state in america. I wanna be a nurse && then maybe change my proffession 10 years after that. Build a home. So much more and even though im 19 i feel like im already running outta time to do it all. I love to help and inspire. I live off positive and try to make others feel cheery and positive too. If i could go back in time to be a little kid i would say the simpler things made me happy. I wanna dance sing and kiss in the rain. Who said since im a big girl i can't get muddy! hike a huge moutain. I live for wild things too like learn how to drive a motorcycle. Drag race in a real draggster. I would love to take a trip to alaska. Put a smile on someones face. make someone feel good about themseleves. Give to others. I do have a softer side when i choose to put my guard down. I feel that before i die i will find my true purpose here and so far its passion and happiness. I just have a passion to learn something try it and share it. I live to make others feel happy even if i can't always make myself. Before i die i wanna give my girls the most in life i can and thats knowledge. Im  smart when i use it. I have potential if i try. I just hold back and im not sure why. I wanna go to a super bowl and root for the underdog.  I wanna ride in a hot air balloon. hang glide (spelling) Im not the brightest crayon in the box but i have a lot of dreams. some harder to reach than others but before i die i just wanna feel satisfied to know that i have made a mark in someones life changed it for a good reason and will forever be remembered. I wanna write a book even if it never gets published. Goals && my girls are what keep me striving to succeed. I dont have time to dwell on who is dating my ex husband and if your in love with me or not. Right now in my life at this very moment on i only have time to be the best mother i can be and achieve my dreams. If somone happens to slip the fingers between mine and go along for the ride thats fine just hope there ready for my joy ride of life.

Lost && Found

Im letting go of everything. Every emotion I ever felt is just being lost. I am so over annoyed pissed hurt confused lost at this point i dont even give a shit. I came out of a shitty break up this summer. I had all the friends in the world be there and stay by my side. Now who do i have to call && wanna hang out with? Who am i gonna text to cheer me up?! No one. All my good friends are outta state and miles away and i hope the selfish bastards who take me for granted feel like shit because my close friends outta state would do anything to have me be there and support && help them like i do you ignorant fucks here.Now see there is a lot of shit i keep to myself or just nod my head to even though i dont agree. As a good loyal friend who always keeps her word i stay by yourside till you say different. Well for whatever reason people seem to think im a mind reader and that im gonna understsand if im not talking to you anymore were not friends. Uh no bitch i dont get that if you dont say your upset with me or im bugging you im not gonna know && gonna keep bugging you till i piss you off and were at a screaming match! Im over it. I really am sick of people down my throat about how they dont matter and i dropped them off the face of the earth when truth is ITS YOU! when i call you dont answer. When i ask to hang out you say you have plans. When I offer my assistance in helping you say  your fine. Then i have to go on a fucking internet social network to find out your asking for help. or your bored and need plans. or your upset and wanna vent. YET WHEN I OFFER ALL THIS I GET SHIT ON! Im going through a rough time right now. I guess when your friends find boyfriends or get married you no longer matter cause your single and they dont have time to do anything with you. or even talk to you. Or when im upset and need someone and i dont turn to them im the shitty friend? No im so pissed! and annoyed! and feel just simply betrayed at how much someone changes over the course of a few weeks. I am honestly self destructing and shutting down. If im a bitch again im sorry. If i come off too strong. tough shit. If i just dont seem to give a shit anyore I DONT CARE! UGHH alls i wanted was to be loved and surrounded by good friends i can grow old with have get togethers with and just call when needed and when i wanna move to start knew to find these people im shitty. well as of now i simply dont give a fuck this girl is over love && friendship because to me its all bullshit!

Fingerprints never fade from the lives we have touched.

Fingerprints never fade away from the lives we have touched. And sometimes we either remember or lose sight from those who have helped us reach the successful point in our life. I  know that i have been hit with a rough patch in life and I couldn't thank the close friends enough that have stuck by me and kept me sain. I would very much like to thank all that have stood by me when i was weak, picked me up when i fell, calmed me down when i seemed crazy, and comforted me when i beat myself up. Im not perfect nor do i try to be i simply am me. I have came a long way from 3 months ago, yes i still have a lot of maturing and growing up to do but I can finally say I MADE IT! I have finally made it to a check point in life where i carry a new found confidence in my step. I am strong and proud. 3 months ago i was a coward heartless bitch. I had no appreciation for anything and took everything for granted and I am happy to say that i have grown up to love and appreciate all that has came my way. Life is all on perspective and how we tackle the daily challenges and if we always start the day with a negative attitude we wont accomplish nearly enough as we could with a positive one. I have lived and loved i have hurt and recovered and im gonna make it through. From being sexually abused, parents in and out of my life, raising my brother, having two children, married&& divorced. I must say im doing alright for 19. My flaws and insecurities keep getting the best of me and now that i have made it to be stable enough to care for another man in my life i keep fucking up. I would like to say that i have my ducks in row goal in my head and on the road to meeting it I would finally just like to have someone there to hold my hand along the way,no i dont need it but i would like to have someone there on the sideline cheering me on every now and then. I have over come my fear of being alone. I have tackled the challenge of doing it on my own. I have even enjoyed the party life of going out getting drunk crazy hookups and forgetting in the morning. And now i wanna settle and focus on the long term. I feel that i have made a stable foundation for myself and my girls and even though i can't force or push for a relationship i would hope someone would come along the way. Speaking of this i am still learning the task of patience. I can tend to come off obsessive or pushy because im so use to a guy saying he liked me and the next day were dating so to actually have to work at a relationship is a whole new thing for me and i dont take it very well and it makes me look bad on my part so its all about learning && hopefully those who are doing the  teaching can understand cause the key to relationships and even friendship is communication and without it we will just get annoyed iritated and end up disliking each other for not fulling knowing what the other one wants or needs. Trial and error is all i can really do and sooner rather than later I will get better at this. I just need to keep those who have touched my life close by and continue to shine because they have pushed me this far and its wayy to late to quit now. I continue this journey strong and open minded. I keep taking risks to learn and sometimes i am gonna fail or fall down but i still feel good for trying it. I just would like to hope those i have made a bad impression on can clear the board and give me another try to realize im not a bad guy.