Am I really?

Dont you just love to hear all about your life in third person? An everyone believes the person telling your story because they live your life? Right? Wrong. Am I really that awful crazy phyco because i simply want whats best for my girls and dont know which way to turn? Am i really that crazy because i had to ask someone who i thought was my best friend to fix my marriage? Am I really that phyco because im an over protective mom looking out for the greater good of my childrens life in that very moment? Yes. Then im the shittiest person ever walking this planet right now. Were human everyone fucks up ALOT! and dont say you dont cause you do. Were human we have thoughts feelings emotions && opinions. But we always tend to focus on the bad in people. Its our natural deffense to choose sides talk down among people. Hold grudges for pointless time periods. And even continueously remind ourselves what that person did wrong to have a reason to keep disliking them. The minute a person messes up we never open up to hope that they just might change. We never re-think of the good memories and laugh we had with people to remind ourselves what made us love and care about them in the first place. Sure were not going to like everyone but there is no need for rude cruel haterid towards people. If its one thing we all do is the minute someone dislikes a person we have an auto button to disliking them too without even knowing whats wrong. Sure we never mean to burn bridges hurt feelings break hearts or even screw up, but this is life these things happen. But a good person would always find the positive in a situation. It took a lot of of me to try to accept what im phasing in life it takes everything outta me to be nice and play fair but what good am i doing fighting back? what am i showing by being hateful back? nothing. that i simply havn't changed or grown up. This is my life my story if you do not like me then fine but there is no need to bad talk me because there is some little thing about me you dont like. I have been judged spit up chewed out and broken. I still stand here as strong as a soldier. I hate holding grudges i hate disliking people even if they did me wrong thats not who i am. And if you  allow the negative affect your judgement on me then your an ignorant person. We have auto button to look straight for the bad before we think of good. We could list 10 bad things right off the bat before we could ever say five nice things. Im awful and terrible and crazy because for my girls sake i wanna raise them to tell them i tried. Im phycho because i tried to put up a fight to take back what was mine. When angry we always say bad things we always over axadurate situations for people to favor our sides. I dont need that people like me for me not because of what i make up. life has natural drama and thats enough for me anything over the top of that is un needed. and though i may not be happy and though i may be "the bad guy" at least i come out saying that i faced it head on without lying and smooshing to make myself look like the better person. I have flaws several they are what keep me learning on how to grow up and when the time comes things will fall into place and for all the right reasons. I just want people to know that im not what is being said. Im hurt and upset and thats a big difference. so still think im awful and whatever else thats on you. I just know that i want my girls to have the family they deserve the ones who created them because its no ones place or responsibility to raise them but us. and if we can't come together to be civil talk and attempt to fix things then i would say we were ignorant for allowing hate get && anger get the best of us. stop judging me from negative and see me from a positive you will realize im a pretty good person.

wilting flower

Yesterday was my anniversary, it was warm sunny and beautiful so i was for sure it was gonna be a great day. My hubby woke up early took Audrina shopping for my present and i thought he had something really sweet planned for us. I was wrong! he came home we play cod till 4:30 i finally got ready to go thinking he was gonna take me out,we went to long horn steak house for dinner and to see fast five. The whole day he was on his cell phone texting even during cod!! which usually if i do that he yells at me so i was shocked to see him more into his phone than the game. With that being said it has made me think that the time is coming that he is looking for something else? He kept hiding his phone and wouldnt tell me who he was talking to. I turned it off in the car because he asked me to throw it on the charger so shut it off to charge sure enough he turns it back on. We get to the resturant sit down and we dont speak he is just on his phone! So i just started texting people on my phone we pretty much sat in silence the whole dinner. We had small talk but it was pathetic we couldn't keep up a conversation with each other. First and probably only time we will get to do something alone for a while and it was like a normal day out! He had a puss on his face because i finished my dinner faster than him and just sat there and i of course ask him what is wrong and he stated "nothing just feels like another day to me" really?! Am i not that special enough to him that he couldn't of gone outside the box to do something really sweet! he use to be cute and do sweet spontaneous stuff all the time. I feel like im losing his interest and if so he should just let go i dont wanna keep begging for his attention love and tell him how to be cute and sweet he should just do it. I figured he would buy me flowers and a nice card take me out to dinner and maybe go to our first date place and just snuggle or something romantic. I can feel that the time is near that what we have been holding onto is slipping away its like walking on a very thin line and any moment one of us is gonna snap it for the other.
Im at a loss because what use to be is no longer and maybe im the blame for it but i know that we both deserve to be happy we both deserve to be loved and if im not it then im not it i dont wanna keep living with a curtain over the big picture because i can't keep pretending nothing is wrong and hold my feelings back. I have said all i needed to say i have done everything i possibly could im outta ideas and now its only up to him to start doing what he thinks he needs to do to keep this thing alive because im not sure i have what it takes to keep holding on much longer. I know they say if you love someone you will always find a way to keep holding on but really? when its a one way street and your the only one making it work it gets old it would be nice to know im loved back it would be nice to feel special again.

Change

I find the need to constantly be changing, how i act, how i look,how i dress everything. I am competetive within myself. I would say im jealous of lots of things but if im not always dressed nice or looking my best or something in that way i feel down about myself. Is that so wrong? Image to me is everything my girls always need to be dressed nice and cleaned up even when there sick i hate them having nasty goopy boogers stuck to there nose i make sure there always clean and looking there best. I know in the long run it will bite me in the ass because they will grow up "snoody" even though i dont bring them up that way its just becaus i like my girls always being clean in the public eye it will make them that way. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on today i havn't been taking my medicine on time the past few days so its throwing me off a bit and im backing to being a little depressed. My one year wedding anniversary is this sunday and to think if were celebrating it i doubt it. Were still becoming more and more distant im losing my reason of holding on. And there is also some other outside non sense going on thats making me just wanna leave. I know people say if you truely love someone you will stick around no matter the circumstances but i know that i will always love my husband but i wont always love the different people were becoming and the choices were deciding to make in our lives. I use to think we were the perfect couple and now were just that couple with a shit load of problems. its not healthy for our girls.
I am working two jobs now and with all this income coming in my eyes are lit up like a fire cracker and im wanting to go spend crazy! i have not been able to shop for myself in a very long time sure i get things but for me to go to the store and buy something for myself has not happened in a very very long time and i think it will be nice but in a sense i know i can't spend too much because i have bills i need to pay and i wanna go to virginia beach this summer and take the girls to sesami theme park and also camp and do the fun things there is to do in ny so i have to save save save. I feel bad though for how much time im spending away from my girls i am turning into my mother who works all the time away from her kids and i always told myself i will be nothing like her and sure enough i am doing what she is doing. although she works to get away from her family im working to provide she enjoys being at work and being away from her kids i rather be a stay at home mom any day but i know i can't. Ugh today is just one of those days there is also some other things on my mind i would like to get off my chest but i know i will offend several people who read my blogs!

New Chapter

Spring is here and im starting out fresh! i have so many plans i wanna do this spring with the house and the girls i dont know where to start. My mind is like a high way with a major traffic jam because im so excited to do all these fun new things as a mom with both my girls that im overwhelming myself with more than i can chew. I started a second job hoping i will make a little more vacation cash so that the girls and i can take a road trip to the beach this summer along with camping in PA. I have several gardens in my yard so i picked one out for audrina and zoey to matain as they grow up i hope they will enjoy it. I also started gutting the house out to paint and re model couldn't do much this winter cause it was a nasty winter and with zoey being due around the corner was hard but now im starting get it all together as to how i wanna do the house! and i have never been more excited. I wanna give my girls the best home they can live in until i become a little more sucessful in life and can upgrade and build my home within the future and make new memories in that house. I have decided that making this big of a project will make time go by fast until its time for my family vacation with the girls. Its also keeping me sane and not get so depressed or upset about everything else going on in my life. I have started my first family tradition today on Easter! The girls wake up find there baskets with little eggs that leave clues as to where it is, then i make a small breakfast nap time then a easter egg hunt dinner and then a family movie! i love it and audrina enjoyed it and i can't wait until zoey bear gets big enough to enjoy it as well. All these positive things in my life make the negative go away and easier to forget about! i hope things continue to move in this positive directions because i can't handle another big down fall anytime soon.

Lost

So, i was thinking to myself tonight how lonely i feel. Sure i have lots of friends i text but i havn't been able to actually call someone and sit on the phone and have a real conversation and when i want to my options are limited. My mom is too busy to talk to me, my dad doesn't wanna hear my gossip or problems. And my best friend and i cross work shifts to be able to talk on the phone. I talk to a lot of people dont get me wrong but i feel like my only best friend is my husband and he gets sick of listening to me blab about everything going on in my life. It kinda hurts a little and i feel a little sad. The people who use to wanna spend time with me and go out on lunch dates or whatever stopped talking to me because i have managed to push them away. Not on purpose but simply because i have sheltered and isolated myself. I need to become social again and in a good way not some gossip snoody bitchy way. I often catch myself getting bossy and i dont mean to just my nature idk why i do it and it bothers me. Alls these things i pick out about myself that bother me i try to change and i feel im changing them for the worse. Im so emotional right now its crazy! i feel so stupid or like a crazy person venting about dumb things but if i dont get it off my chest it will keep bothering me and i will only get more upset and depressed. Ugh i wanna beat this terrible problem its such a daisy downer and i dont like it. Im usually a happy positive bubbly person! why? why me? why do i have to feel this way. I wanna be happy and feel whole again. I am slowly getting there and i know with time things will get better but when it comes to time there are some things i would love to speed up and certain things i wish i could freeze. Im not crazy i promise there is just so much built up emotion i need to let out that i dont know where to start my mind is like a high way its constantly going in a milllion directions with thoughts feeling and emotions. I am starting to see a change which is good but i have a lot of work in progress.

Behind the smile

 I live my life like nothing is wrong and i have it all, when reality is i have nothing. I cover up my insecurities and self confidence with a smile. The bre people see is a spoiled brat and thats not what i want to be known as. But i dont wanna be known as a baby either. Im very insecure about my looks my height race weight everything. The person i see in the mirror is not the person i invision in my head. I grew up with all white kids I never knew much of racism until i moved to tennessee and i never knew people could be so hurtful and hate me over the color of my skin and for then i hated myself. I didn't want to be "tan" anymore. I couldn't even have a boyfriend because his parents didnt like the color of my skin so i rebelled and acted out of term because i thought it was stupid. Now a days being tan is the cool thing and i love who i am and the different herittages i am but there are days i worry that my children will grow up being picked on too and people will say the awful hurtful things they said to me and i dont want that for them. I also hate the size i am. Being short means being tiny if your not tiny your fat and i struggle a weight problem all the time. There have been times i dont eat for weeks until im down to the size i wanna be. If im any bigger than a size 7 in pants i feel disgusting and look gross. body image is something that runs in my family my mom faces an eating disorder mines not as bad as hers but i have realized that when it comes to how i look im just like her and it sickens me because i should be happy and love myself because if i dont start i will only hurt myself more in the end. All these bad habbits and insecure is coming in the way of my happiness its a battle i struggle with everyday that i cover up with a smile for my girls and everyone else to ignore because i fear of being judge. I live my like wanting to be liked by everyone and i know thats impossible but i feel that everyone deserves a chance and you can't judge them or dislike them until you get to know them and i have never really truly let anyone get to know the real bre until now. so no more fake smile its time for real ones.

Broken

Im at my breaking point. I feel very jealous of my husband, he works two jobs bought a tv got an xbox got a new car well you get the point he gets everything he ever wanted. As a good wife i feel that its my job to always make him happy and cater to him and give him everything he ever wanted but im not feeling that respect back. I wont bash but im tired of certain people calling me a spoiled brat and talking bad about me saying i "shop too much" or whatever but reality i dont. I use to be spoiled yes i use to get everything i wanted and even though were married doesn't mean what we "buy" together is exaclty mine to claim. Yeah sure he shares with me from time to time but i always can tell when he really isn't happy with me using whatever it is i wannna use. Im jealous because some days i feel that he doesn't want me to work for this reason. Its like he has "power" over me because im stuck at home while he makes money and if i wanna do something he has the right to say yes or no. I dont like it and im getting very annoyed with him. I have currently started working but i hate it because i miss being with my girls every second of the day. A break is nice yes but to me a break is getting a pedicure or shopping and having lunch with a girl friend or just taking a walk at the pier by myself to catch a breath. I am feeling selfish to have these feelings but im only human and i think that after 2 years of me just spoiling him im getting old of it because im not getting anything in return even a simple thank you would be nice. Working has made me feel slightly better about myself confidence wise because i can now do things with my girls and just have something to myself again. But weather i stay at home to raise our girls im lazy or if i go to work to help with bills and stuff im a bad mom for leaving my girls at a young age with just anyone. Im stuck between a rock and a hard spot and im losing it. Its time i do things for me because trying to please everyone is driving me insane. There isn't much more i can take with peoples crap and there hurtful words and soon i feel like i will explode on them if they say something wrong if things dont change. I have a lot of built up frustration and this blogging is really helping lets hope things get better soon!