Change

I find the need to constantly be changing, how i act, how i look,how i dress everything. I am competetive within myself. I would say im jealous of lots of things but if im not always dressed nice or looking my best or something in that way i feel down about myself. Is that so wrong? Image to me is everything my girls always need to be dressed nice and cleaned up even when there sick i hate them having nasty goopy boogers stuck to there nose i make sure there always clean and looking there best. I know in the long run it will bite me in the ass because they will grow up "snoody" even though i dont bring them up that way its just becaus i like my girls always being clean in the public eye it will make them that way. I have a lot of mixed emotions going on today i havn't been taking my medicine on time the past few days so its throwing me off a bit and im backing to being a little depressed. My one year wedding anniversary is this sunday and to think if were celebrating it i doubt it. Were still becoming more and more distant im losing my reason of holding on. And there is also some other outside non sense going on thats making me just wanna leave. I know people say if you truely love someone you will stick around no matter the circumstances but i know that i will always love my husband but i wont always love the different people were becoming and the choices were deciding to make in our lives. I use to think we were the perfect couple and now were just that couple with a shit load of problems. its not healthy for our girls.
I am working two jobs now and with all this income coming in my eyes are lit up like a fire cracker and im wanting to go spend crazy! i have not been able to shop for myself in a very long time sure i get things but for me to go to the store and buy something for myself has not happened in a very very long time and i think it will be nice but in a sense i know i can't spend too much because i have bills i need to pay and i wanna go to virginia beach this summer and take the girls to sesami theme park and also camp and do the fun things there is to do in ny so i have to save save save. I feel bad though for how much time im spending away from my girls i am turning into my mother who works all the time away from her kids and i always told myself i will be nothing like her and sure enough i am doing what she is doing. although she works to get away from her family im working to provide she enjoys being at work and being away from her kids i rather be a stay at home mom any day but i know i can't. Ugh today is just one of those days there is also some other things on my mind i would like to get off my chest but i know i will offend several people who read my blogs!

New Chapter

Spring is here and im starting out fresh! i have so many plans i wanna do this spring with the house and the girls i dont know where to start. My mind is like a high way with a major traffic jam because im so excited to do all these fun new things as a mom with both my girls that im overwhelming myself with more than i can chew. I started a second job hoping i will make a little more vacation cash so that the girls and i can take a road trip to the beach this summer along with camping in PA. I have several gardens in my yard so i picked one out for audrina and zoey to matain as they grow up i hope they will enjoy it. I also started gutting the house out to paint and re model couldn't do much this winter cause it was a nasty winter and with zoey being due around the corner was hard but now im starting get it all together as to how i wanna do the house! and i have never been more excited. I wanna give my girls the best home they can live in until i become a little more sucessful in life and can upgrade and build my home within the future and make new memories in that house. I have decided that making this big of a project will make time go by fast until its time for my family vacation with the girls. Its also keeping me sane and not get so depressed or upset about everything else going on in my life. I have started my first family tradition today on Easter! The girls wake up find there baskets with little eggs that leave clues as to where it is, then i make a small breakfast nap time then a easter egg hunt dinner and then a family movie! i love it and audrina enjoyed it and i can't wait until zoey bear gets big enough to enjoy it as well. All these positive things in my life make the negative go away and easier to forget about! i hope things continue to move in this positive directions because i can't handle another big down fall anytime soon.

Lost

So, i was thinking to myself tonight how lonely i feel. Sure i have lots of friends i text but i havn't been able to actually call someone and sit on the phone and have a real conversation and when i want to my options are limited. My mom is too busy to talk to me, my dad doesn't wanna hear my gossip or problems. And my best friend and i cross work shifts to be able to talk on the phone. I talk to a lot of people dont get me wrong but i feel like my only best friend is my husband and he gets sick of listening to me blab about everything going on in my life. It kinda hurts a little and i feel a little sad. The people who use to wanna spend time with me and go out on lunch dates or whatever stopped talking to me because i have managed to push them away. Not on purpose but simply because i have sheltered and isolated myself. I need to become social again and in a good way not some gossip snoody bitchy way. I often catch myself getting bossy and i dont mean to just my nature idk why i do it and it bothers me. Alls these things i pick out about myself that bother me i try to change and i feel im changing them for the worse. Im so emotional right now its crazy! i feel so stupid or like a crazy person venting about dumb things but if i dont get it off my chest it will keep bothering me and i will only get more upset and depressed. Ugh i wanna beat this terrible problem its such a daisy downer and i dont like it. Im usually a happy positive bubbly person! why? why me? why do i have to feel this way. I wanna be happy and feel whole again. I am slowly getting there and i know with time things will get better but when it comes to time there are some things i would love to speed up and certain things i wish i could freeze. Im not crazy i promise there is just so much built up emotion i need to let out that i dont know where to start my mind is like a high way its constantly going in a milllion directions with thoughts feeling and emotions. I am starting to see a change which is good but i have a lot of work in progress.

Behind the smile

 I live my life like nothing is wrong and i have it all, when reality is i have nothing. I cover up my insecurities and self confidence with a smile. The bre people see is a spoiled brat and thats not what i want to be known as. But i dont wanna be known as a baby either. Im very insecure about my looks my height race weight everything. The person i see in the mirror is not the person i invision in my head. I grew up with all white kids I never knew much of racism until i moved to tennessee and i never knew people could be so hurtful and hate me over the color of my skin and for then i hated myself. I didn't want to be "tan" anymore. I couldn't even have a boyfriend because his parents didnt like the color of my skin so i rebelled and acted out of term because i thought it was stupid. Now a days being tan is the cool thing and i love who i am and the different herittages i am but there are days i worry that my children will grow up being picked on too and people will say the awful hurtful things they said to me and i dont want that for them. I also hate the size i am. Being short means being tiny if your not tiny your fat and i struggle a weight problem all the time. There have been times i dont eat for weeks until im down to the size i wanna be. If im any bigger than a size 7 in pants i feel disgusting and look gross. body image is something that runs in my family my mom faces an eating disorder mines not as bad as hers but i have realized that when it comes to how i look im just like her and it sickens me because i should be happy and love myself because if i dont start i will only hurt myself more in the end. All these bad habbits and insecure is coming in the way of my happiness its a battle i struggle with everyday that i cover up with a smile for my girls and everyone else to ignore because i fear of being judge. I live my like wanting to be liked by everyone and i know thats impossible but i feel that everyone deserves a chance and you can't judge them or dislike them until you get to know them and i have never really truly let anyone get to know the real bre until now. so no more fake smile its time for real ones.

Broken

Im at my breaking point. I feel very jealous of my husband, he works two jobs bought a tv got an xbox got a new car well you get the point he gets everything he ever wanted. As a good wife i feel that its my job to always make him happy and cater to him and give him everything he ever wanted but im not feeling that respect back. I wont bash but im tired of certain people calling me a spoiled brat and talking bad about me saying i "shop too much" or whatever but reality i dont. I use to be spoiled yes i use to get everything i wanted and even though were married doesn't mean what we "buy" together is exaclty mine to claim. Yeah sure he shares with me from time to time but i always can tell when he really isn't happy with me using whatever it is i wannna use. Im jealous because some days i feel that he doesn't want me to work for this reason. Its like he has "power" over me because im stuck at home while he makes money and if i wanna do something he has the right to say yes or no. I dont like it and im getting very annoyed with him. I have currently started working but i hate it because i miss being with my girls every second of the day. A break is nice yes but to me a break is getting a pedicure or shopping and having lunch with a girl friend or just taking a walk at the pier by myself to catch a breath. I am feeling selfish to have these feelings but im only human and i think that after 2 years of me just spoiling him im getting old of it because im not getting anything in return even a simple thank you would be nice. Working has made me feel slightly better about myself confidence wise because i can now do things with my girls and just have something to myself again. But weather i stay at home to raise our girls im lazy or if i go to work to help with bills and stuff im a bad mom for leaving my girls at a young age with just anyone. Im stuck between a rock and a hard spot and im losing it. Its time i do things for me because trying to please everyone is driving me insane. There isn't much more i can take with peoples crap and there hurtful words and soon i feel like i will explode on them if they say something wrong if things dont change. I have a lot of built up frustration and this blogging is really helping lets hope things get better soon!

A one way street

I married who I thought was the man of my dreams may 1,2010. I say I thought because as a year passes of being married everything took a turn for the worse. My husband was enlisted in the United States Navy. I have my thoughts as to why he came home and he has his, in my mind i feel my reason is more truthful than his but ever since he came home our relationship went down hill. He said he wanted to be home to be with his family and help me with the girls because he felt that being away he wasn't helping me any, which he was helping me out more then than he what he is doing now. I have a lot of built up anger towards him and its slowly starting to come out. Audrina is our 1st born she was not planned but was talked about numerous times. We both wanted children but still wanted to wait till i at least graduated high school to start a family. Little miss audrina had other plans for us. I grew to be very excited about being pregnant, I knew for a few months and didn't want to tell richard because he had decided to join the navy and i felt if i told him he would use her as an excuse not to go and not make something of himself.
A few months passed and i finally told him i think when i told him i was hitting 14 weeks he was a little upset but very quiet and thought i was joking at first. He wasn't as excited as me because he was leaving which i understood. But we now have a 2nd daughter to the mix of our chaotic life and with him being able to be home experience her birth i was hoping he would be more happy. I hurt becaues i love my girls so much & for someone to just not wanna spend every second with them upsets me. Im hurting even more that i have tried talking to him numerous times about my feelings and emotions and continues to live his life the same. I have realized over these past few months that the man i met 4 years ago and the man i married a year ago are two different men or maybe the same guy but i was just missing the part im seeing now. With that said i can't change him and i can't make him happy. Im coming to my breaking point and i dont think he see's this. i have told him several times how upset and hurt i am have asked for a separation and break to breath and clear my head and nothing has changed. I just wanted my family to be happy and together but thats in a fairy tale and i need to wake up and smell reality. My life isn't perfect and its always been broken so i dont know why it would ever accure to me that it would be healed. i can only cover the cracks with tape for so long before it loses its stickyness and pulls apart. I have given it my all and tried everything but i have come to the acceptance that its just not gonna work.

Simply Me

My name is Breanna I am 19 years old. I was born January 7th 1992. I decided to make a blog for myself to let out my hidden thoughts and emotions. I have lived a broken rollercoaster of a life. My parents never married they too where young parents. My mom had me at 18 and my dad 22. I have asked both sides of the story as to why things didn't work out and i finally stopped carring because they had so much built up anger towards each other it turned into them just bashing each other rather then knowing why it broke off. My father re-married to my step mom and from them i have a 10 year old sister. I also have a 4 year old brother i doubt i will ever meet but would like to one day. My mother has been re-married and divorced twice. I have one brother from her and he just turned 13.
My whole life is kinda a blurr as to what happened when i was younger. I just remember lots of fighting when i lived with my mother and i finally moved in with my father and step mom at age 7. We moved to Tennessee and thats where i grew up until i was 14. I have been through hell and back with family issues. Some days i feel like i was never really wanted because i was an un planned baby. since my mother had my brother and my father my sister they were both "wanted" and planned. i know there young parents and at that age it is hard to raise a baby im raising two on my own at 19. but i never would have thought that i would be pushed off to the side. I lived a trouble life i was always trying to seek attention love and affection from people mainly guys in my life which didn't go so well for me. After a while i lost self respect and didn't care how i was treated as long as i was seeking attention. Looking back on it i am hurt and disgusted because as i grew up i know i deserved better for myself.
The choices i made in my life i have hurt and affected a lot of people. In my own selfish ways i didn't care but the more i grow up the more its starting to later on affect me as well. Im learning everyday as i go how to deal and make smarter choices in life. Now having two little girls to look after i need to continue to better myself and be a good roll model to them. They are my everything and i never want them to live a life or experience the pain and hurt i did as a child. Sure the photos look like i was a happy kid and yeah my parents may buy me everything i ever want but its outta guilt not because of love but because of guilt. I refuse to do that to my kids they are spoiled with love and attention and if they get things its outta the kind of heart of because i love being able to get them things. My life is full of crazy and this is just the beginning.